Suicide Is Painless
by MysticShadowWanderer
Summary: Despite the title, it's not a suicide fic. Kenshin's insanity begins to take over and he wants to die... Yeah... Angst-galore. [One-shot]


Suicide Is Painless  
  
MysticShadowWanderer  
  
Disclaimer: I don't know how to dry the tears that I never cry.  
  
*****  
  
I wake in the early hours of the morning, as usual. Stretching my legs and standing, I wonder if today would be any different. Somehow I doubt it. With a few deft movements, my sakabatou is once more hanging faithfully at my hip; I glance at it with distaste. Always there, always constant, it is a reminder of a past I'd rather not remember. But it is my fate to remember, to drag myself through every day while carrying the heavy bodies of countless that died by my hand. Stepping out into the yard, I decide, just this once, to take a walk to clear my head. The sun has not yet risen, and it isn't likely that anyone will miss me while I am gone.  
  
***  
  
[Through early morning fog I see]  
  
[Visions of the things to be]  
  
[The pains that are withheld for me]  
  
[I realize and I can see]  
  
[That suicide is painless]  
  
[It brings on many change]  
  
[And I can take or leave it if I please]  
  
***  
  
As I walk I ruminate, as I often do. I think about what it would be like if my childhood was different, if my parents hadn't died, if I hadn't joined the war, if I had never killed. There were some questions that remain unanswered though, and I doubt that I will ever know the truth. It doesn't seem to matter much as I shuffle along with my head hung low. I can't help but think about the happier times I've had in my life, the laughter and smiles shared with my new family, the warmth of the love that I feel from Kaoru. But it's not for me, and the thoughts just make me all the more forlorn. None of this life is for me, I know. It's so hard to break free of the comfort and loving acceptance of this home I have, though. I shouldn't even be here, walking this familiar path without having to think of where I'm dragging my feet to. I am Himura Kenshin, the former hitokiri Battousai, the man who killed his own wife, the man with the bloodstained hands that will never come clean, no matter how hard they are scrubbed. I don't deserve to walk the face of this earth, let alone the dirt and grass of the home of one of the most innocent human beings to ever grace me with her presence.  
  
***  
  
[I try to find a way to make]  
  
[All our little joys relate]  
  
[Without that ever-present hate]  
  
[But now I know that it's too late]  
  
[And suicide is painless]  
  
[It brings on many changes]  
  
[And I can take or leave it if I please]  
  
***  
  
I shouldn't be here. I should be dead. Unsheathing my sakabatou, I stare at the metallic sheen of the blade that has never been defiled by human viscera. Ineluctably, it has touched blood, if only from using the dull edge to defend Kaoru and delivering blows hard enough to break the skin, but never has it killed. The thought is both comforting and disgusting. There is the madness of the hitokiri calling to me from where I keep it caged deep within my being. It is always there, straining at its bonds, singing to me the sweetness of letting go and seeing, feeling, blood spray from a beautifully defiled corpse. I will not deny that the thought is, at times, tempting, but somehow I've always been able to turn it away. I thank the gods for that, and for Kaoru, who keeps me from breaking my vow time and time again. Still, it reminds me that I am not good enough, not worthy enough, to have someone as perfect as her to care for me and keep me sane like she does. Glaring down at my blade, I wonder why I haven't yet taken matters into my own hands.  
  
***  
  
[The game of life is hard to play]  
  
[I'm going to lose it anyway]  
  
[The losing card I'll someday lay]  
  
[So this is all I have to say]  
  
[That suicide is painless]  
  
[It brings on many changes]  
  
[And I can take or leave it if I please]  
  
***  
  
Can I do it, though? I don't think I deserve even the honorable death of a samurai by seppuku. Perhaps it is best if I simply throw myself in the river and allow myself to drown. It's not as if I have anything to live for but more pain and guilt, and bringing the same upon the heads of the wonderfully strong people that I live with. It is wrong that I allow them to go through so very much, and only because I feel comfort and affection from them. I spent my early years in the deadly art of destruction, the most beautifully tragic prowess that a man can possibly possess. Why am I the one destined to harness this power? Me, with my kind views and will to help the weak, am the one who the gods chose, so long ago, to be the one endowed with speed to rival theirs, and the insanity of a hitokiri, but coupled with the desire to make great changes and bring about better times. I hate life; I really do.   
  
***  
  
[The only way to win is cheat]  
  
[And lay it down before I'm beat]  
  
[And to another give a seat]  
  
[For that's the only painless feat]  
  
['Cause suicide is painless]  
  
[It brings on many changes]  
  
[And I can take or leave it if I please]  
  
***  
  
And I don't know where to go from here. Shall I kill myself or live on and suffer? Neither option seems to be enough pain for me to atone for all the sins I committed, and still commit. Is it not a sin to give into my longings so easily and remain here in this peaceful dojo, only to bring unrest to my new home when old enemies come seeking out the Battousai? I hate this life, the way I am always forced to make choices that no man should have to make. But I deserve to make them, I am well aware of that. Because of what I did in the past, I deserve all the decisions and all of the heartache. I often wish that I can just die.  
  
***  
  
[The sword of time will pierce our skins]  
  
[It doesn't hurt when it begins]  
  
[But as it works its way on in]  
  
[The pain grows stronger, watch it grin]  
  
[For suicide is painless]  
  
[It brings on many changes]  
  
[And I can take or leave it if I please]  
  
***  
  
The madness I long denied is beginning to take over again. But I must not let it, I cannot show Kaoru this torment. She must be allowed her own happiness while I am refused mine. I can feel myself slipping. I stare down at my hands again, I can see the blood flowing over them as plainly as I could feel the rain beginning to hit my face. Feeling the urge to repent further by at least joining some of my own blood with the blood of those I killed, I unsheathe my sakabatou quickly and draw it over my arm, setting free a veritable river of crimson regret. I may not be able to bring back those I killed, but I can join them in death. It's only fair to them, I decide. I stumble back toward the house, I cannot let this temporary setback keep me from doing my chores. Kaoru will need her laundry done, breakfast must be cooked and... laundry must be done.  
  
My head is spinning as I flop to my knees next to the laundry basin which I don't remember filling with water. Grabbing a pile of clothes, I shove them into the freezing water, soaping them carefully. Looking down, I see that my blood is staining the water light pink, and is settling onto the clothing. In horror, I begin to scrub at my arms, desperately trying to wash the blood away like I've tried to do all my life. It's not helping, the water just darkens. I rub harder, tears are streaming down my face now, and I'm helpless to stop them.  
  
***  
  
[A brave man once requested me]  
  
[To answer questions that are key]  
  
[Is it to be or not to be]  
  
[And I replied; "Oh why ask me?"]  
  
***  
  
I hear her soft footsteps, coming up behind me. She kneels behind me and places a hand on my shoulder so gently. She doesn't say anything at first, just looks at me. Then,  
  
"Kenshin."  
  
I turn my head toward her, stare at her listlessly. My hands stop their irrational flurry of motion as she takes them in her own hands. Slowly and carefully she cups water in her palms and lets it flow over my torn and bleeding arms. She runs her hands over my arms gently, lightly enough that it won't sting, and lifts my dripping flesh from the water. After placing soft kisses on each cut, she binds my arms tightly, putting enough pressure on the wounds that they'll stop their maddened bleeding. I watch as if I'm detached from all of it, I sit in a daze, just staring at her.  
  
"Kaoru." My voice is raspy, I hardly recognize it. She simply looks at me, her deep blue eyes calm and comforting. I throw my arms around her suddenly, pulling her body close to mine and rocking back and forth as I sob. She doesn't say a word, just wraps me in a tight embrace that's far too soothing to be deserved by one such as me. She holds me securely as I gasp for air. When I let go and hang my head in shame, she places a hand under my chin and lifts my face to look into hers. Giving me a sad smile, she wipes my cheeks dry with her sleeve and leans forward to kiss me lightly on the lips. When she finishes, she tucks me back into her arms and holds me close.  
  
"Kenshin, I'm here for you. Don't leave me."  
  
"Oh Kaoru, I won't. I can't."  
  
***  
  
['Cause suicide is painless]  
  
[It brings on many changes]  
  
[And I can take or leave it if I please]  
  
*****  
  
A/N: Sort of depressing, but I suppose it's uplifting at the end. I just had the urge to write something upsetting, trying to help alleviate the mood I'm in. Yes, I should be working on my three other fics, but I needed a break. Besides, it was good practice to write in first person present tense, which I don't do much of. So screw you if you're pissed at me, I don't really care. I didn't get as much emotion into this one as I wanted, but I guess it turned out okay. I don't know, I don't really like it much now that I read it. Whatever. 


End file.
